I'm sad right now.
I'm all over the place these days. It's frustrating. One day I feel like my life is falling to pieces and the next I'm on top of the world. I know what's bugging me... deep down. But I can't talk about it, not even with people in my real world. I know I'm honest on this blog, but there's so much I wish I could write here that I can't. I read Kirsten's blog, and I'm like wow, I really admire her brutal honesty. The highs and the lows, ya know? That's what life is about. Here's one thing I'll confess: I have an interview tomorrow, and I really don't want to go. And yet I'm terrified that I won't find a good job. What's up with that? Here's another thing I'll confess: New York makes me feel really unattractive and undesirable. Yuck. I want to feel confident and beautiful, and I don't know if I want to live in a city that doesn't nurture that. Then again, is it really the city that matters? Isn't it... the person?
It's late, and I really need to go to bed. So I can wake up early (ish). And prep for my interview. And put on a suit that makes me feel frumpy. And hopefully have a better day. (Although actually, my day was pretty fantastic. Tonight just sucks.)
Oh and the season premiere of Glee is really, really, REALLY good.
Bon nuit.
8 comments:
Good luck with your interview! Nyc can be a hard place for anyone to feel confident in. Just by reading your blog I think you have been doing an amazing job! Don't give up :)
The thing is, it's sort of on each one of us to make ourselves feel beautiful. The wonderful and scary thing about New York is that you make your own world there. It won't nurture anyone, and it's up to us, not the city, to nurture ourselves. You're a gorgeous, smart girl! Believe it and live it!
I'm Australian and don't know much about New York but from what I can gather, it seems like it would be a long process to feeling like you've got a place in such a big, crazy city. I bet in a year from now you won't feel unattractive there at all, you'll feel like YOU. I'd suggest trying to isolate the things that are making you feel gross - the stickiness, the clothes, the people, whatever - so you have an idea what needs to change. You're living "the dream" but that doesn't mean it has to be your dream, remember. If it's not, it's not. :)
Good luck on your interview!!
You don't need to feel 100% every day. It's part of life to go through highs and lows. When I first lived in Paris, I remember feeling similarly even though I felt incredibly lucky and alive to be there. It was still disorienting and lonely at times. (Not saying you're feeling the same way, just saying I was in frickin Paris and still had my low days).
Good luck with your interview! I think you're doing fabulous!
Oh, lady. I am thinking of you and sending you so many positive and healing thoughts. You are such and amazing and beautiful person. Hang in there, it will get better, maybe not soon but I promise someday it will. I'm here if you need anything.
A. I hope the interview went well.
B. The honesty piece. The confession. The putting it out there. It takes time. I have been wanting to write a completely honest, open blog for some time now and I just couldn't - for so many reasons. And now I am. I don't know what shifted or what changed, but something did.
C. I love your blog. All your readers love your blog just the way it is.
D. NYC is a tough place, love. But, you are conquering it.
First, I am sending you lots of hugs. Second, call me. You don't have to go through this alone. You have a bunch of great friends that are just a few digits away! :)
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