Mid-Finals

Bonsoir, mes amies. My lack of posts is appalling, i know, but in my defense, i am in the middle of finals! Luckily i am not stressed, as getting through the first is always the hardest part. As i speak i am at a Starbucks with two darling friends, semi-working on a takehome. Not bad, eh?

I'm sure i have tons to write and discuss and update but for now i'd like to stick to a topic that has got my mind spinning the past couple of days. And that is my weight. If you had read my blog (it was probably my "xanga" back then actually) a few years ago, it would've been filled with discussions of calorie contents, fad diets, logging miles, etc. I used to be OBSESSED with losing weight, as it was my #1 goal in life. Seriously i woke up every morning thinking about food and my weight. It was an awful way to live, and i'm so so SO very glad that i'm past that stage. Unfortunately, i seem to have hit the other extreme in that i've hardly really given my weight and body much thought in the past year in a half. In my defense, i've been dealing with a lot more important things - namely my depression and figuring out how i would graduate from law school. Until recently, i've also been on an anti-depressive medication that has been known to cause weight gain. (Believe me, had i know that potential side effect i probably would NEVER have agreed to get on it!) As a result of alll these factors, i've managed to pack on a good 20 pounds in the past couple of years. In fact, since starting law school, i've probably gained around 35. Luckily for me, 35 lbs doesn't look quite as extreme as it might on someone else. But it's definitely noticeable, and i had a very harsh, cold blow with reality this past weekend when shopping for a graduation outfit with my very dear (VERY thin) BFF. After feeling tres sorry for myself, i called my darling Mommy to broach the topic (really hard for me to do), and we ended up having a very honest, very real conversation about me, my weight, my eating disordered past, and my future health. As diabetes runs rampant in my mother's side of the family, she's always been very concerned about my health.

After many many tears and another phone call to a dear friend here in Austin (thanks, J..), i faced up to the fact that i've let myself, and most importantly my health, go. Normally i'd take news like this and swallow it with a LOT of french fries and a very pricey shopping trip. Luckily i have the support of my mom and friend and decided to turn lemons into lemonade. I got my ass to the gym for the first time all semester, and I emailed my sister's ex-trainer (used to work at Google in Cali but has since moved to Austin!) to set up an appointment. (Um also decided to curb the milkshake runs to Which Wich.) Met with Deb (aforementioned trainer) today, and we set up a plan. Not gonna lie, running was HARD after not having done it in so long. But it also felt good. So did training today. My body's ready for this change. My heart and head, however, need a bit of help. But i'm trying to be kind and forgive myself and stop focusing on the past. I'm doing something now, and that's what counts, right?