Table for 1

Hello and welcome to my difficult blog post.

I'm pretty open and honest on this blog and probably write a lot of things I don't want my family/friends/employer/random strangers to read. But my blog doesn't have a theme or a niche, my blog is all about moi. So for me, honesty and a little intimacy is key.

That being said, there are a couple of topics that I have avoided for the most part, and this post is about one of them - being *gasp* single.

I have technically been single for almost 4 years now, but truly, I've only really been single for about 2, and that's because I spent the first 2 of those years obsessing/crushing/dating/whatever-ing with one boy or another (all inevitably ending in heartbreak or admitting and finally recognizing that "HE'S GAY"). I was really good at crushing, always have been (with girls too - love me some girl crushes!), and since it's been so long since I've had a crush, an object of my affection and attention and obsession, it's been... weird. Disconcerting.

And for some reason, in the past year, I've started feeling "pressure" from friends and family (and yes, perfect strangers) to find "the one." Or, at least, someone to date. One friend told me, "I think you've just been single for long enough. It's time to put yourself out there!" My mom and dad drops hints (okay they're not really hints, more like boulders) every time I see them. Even Ma Soeur makes comments like, "NO Carolyn, you are not allowed to get another dog until you have a boyfriend!" Okay... To say that I'm less than pleased with these comments is an understatement. But until very recently, I hadn't truly figured out how I feel about being single, and so my responses have been limited to, "But... there's no one out there" and "Boys are ugly" and "I'm TRYING!" (Fact: The last is so not true. I haven't been trying at all.)

Last week I went to an event with Christine Arylo, the author of Choosing Me Before We, who was recently featured in a podcast avec the lovely Kimberly Wilson. I went to this event unfamiliar with Christine's book and figured it was all about finding yourself, loving yourself, respecting yourself, etc. Well, it is. BUT. It's a lot about doing all those things in order to be in a healthy relationship. And that, my friends, is the problem.

I don't want a relationship.

Did I just say that out loud?

I like being single.

How many times have you heard someone say that and knowing it not to be true? It's why I find it so difficult to say. I'm afraid I'll get the, "Oh... well good for you! Ahem... yeah." Because people assume that every woman is happier in a relationship than not in a relationship. And I assumed so as well! Everytime I read a blog about an adoring boyfriend (like Nina's Simon, I mean, how adorable is he??) or heard about someone's engagement, I thought I had to be depressed about it. Oh woe is me, the single one, sans boyfriend/partner/lover. But it was only when I was smacked in the face with reminders that I'm single that I got depressed about it. The rest of the time, I have been happily and obliviously living my single life with, well, joie de vivre and completely sans boyfriend. I may think my life lacks, but I rarely think it lacks because I don't have a man.

And all this, all this truth and realization, hit me during that event with Christine Arylo. Because I was in a room with women who were so obviously not okay with being single. And it made me sad for them, but very very happy for moi. Because I was okay. I AM okay. Not just okay, I'm FABULOUS! My life is wonderful right now. Sure it has its ups and downs, but I wake up every morning a little happier. That's the truth. And I just have this gut feeling that 26 is going to be an INCREDIBLE year, my best yet! How exciting is that? And how GREAT is it that my happiness is a result of moi and only moi? This has never happened to me before.

Because? Confession: I used to be a serial monogamist. Here's a summary of my relationship history: high school sweetheart, other boyfriend, then high school sweetheart again, with no less than weeks in between. At different points in time, I thought I was going to marry both of them. (I also broke both of their hearts and have been convinced that bad relationship karma was headed my way). But my point is, I was the girl who was always in a serious relationship. And no, I wasn't blissfully happy all the time, but I never had to deal with wearing the "single" label. And let me tell ya, it's a tough label to wear, especially in this society, and especially in the south. Being 25 and single in Texas is the equivalent of being 40 and single everywhere else. (Yet another reason I need to leave...)

So, this is me. And friends and family, if you're reading this (and i know some of you are...), please stop. Because I am happy. And I know you love me and want me to find my future husband and all that (and yes, I do too, just not right now), but you don't have to worry about me. I am just fine on my own. I'm discovering myself in all kinds of new and shiny ways, and I am loving each and every second of it. It's divine.